no one has to read this; i’m just venting.
one of the biggest things i’ve been struggling with lately is my relationship with God. I talk to Him everyday, sure. I try to read my bible everyday, but most of the time the distractions around me are too much. or the thoughts in my head are way too loud. I’m worrying about healing from heartbreak, or setting up a future I will be proud of. And those things are important and have to be a part of my daily life, but it all feels fake. They say to give your worries over to God. That’s easier said than done though. I spent months handing my worries and fears over to God & felt like He wasn’t hearing me. I prayed so loud, but my voice broke. And now, because of it, I constantly wonder, “what’s the point of praying? or going to church? or reading my bible?” I feel like the God I learned to love almost three years ago is ignoring me. Ignoring my cries for help. I want to rebuild my relationship with Him because I know this is when I need Him most. I know the heartbreak I experienced is part of some bigger plan to get me where i’m meant to be. Maybe He is calling out to me, but since i’m so focused on worldly things & feeling far from Him, i’m not hearing him. i’m probably the one putting distance between us. I just don’t know how to refocus on it. I feel stuck in a new cycle even after getting out of an old one. it’s just hard to rely on God, when you feel like He’s nowhere to be found. I just hope & pray the barrier is broken soon. I hope to get back to the Jesus loving person I was this time last year. I hope to open my bible & actually find meaning in the words written. I hope I get out of this heavy burden of a cycle soon. Because even though I cant find it in me to get back to God, I miss Jesus. I miss the light believing in him 100% gave me.