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  • Writer's pictureErin

the medicine is working again

Updated: Dec 4, 2022

around this time last year

I could feel it getting bad again.


sleepless nights turned into weeks.

I’d wake up on a Sunday and

get ready for work,

drink a whole pot of coffee in between

cigarettes.


the crash would come

and so I’d drink some more.


my heart pumping energy drinks

through my veins

instead of crimson blood.


the medicine wasn’t working

back then.


I had stopped taking them

because

instead of feeling better

I’d pop a pill

and my heart would begin to race.


“this is the end of me,”

I’d cry in the car

on my breaks at work.

“this is it.”


I’d spend those thirty minutes

on the phone with my mom

as she talked me down

from anxiety

that felt like a heart attack.


my chest collapsing before my eyes.


because of this the caffeine

and the sleepless nights

would trigger mania.


I spent many Friday mornings

in my run-down black

and beat up chevy cruz

driving to West Virginia

without telling anyone.


then I’d come home in time for dinner

not hinting that I skipped town.


every Friday.


all of april

and

all of may.


every Friday I’d finally

sleep for the first time

since Sunday.


there was no life

left behind my eyes.


I’d barely eat.


reading wasn’t fun.


I can’t even recall a poem

I wrote around that time.


they say your life changes

before your eyes.


well.


mine did.


because it’s may

again and instead of

drinking cans and cans

of colored caffeine,

I’m back to enjoying

teas.


my medicine is working.


there’s a light inside my eyes.


I’m diving into other worlds

while reading everyday.


I’m painting again.


the words are there.


they never left me.


they were always there.


the medicine is working again

and life is beautiful

and pain is temporary.


the medicine is working again

and I have a will to live

and see a future.


the medicine is working again

and the sun has come out

from behind the clouds.


the medicine is working again

but this time I have myself to thank,

not just a tiny white pill.



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