I became indifferent about the world
the moment the world became noticeably
unpleasant
in first grade I thought the world
around me was beautiful
I thought it was full of kind people,
and love,
and even laughter
oh, what an innocent,
naive child I was
then I made it to the fourth grade
and the world became slightly
unpleasant
I suddenly had teachers telling me
that I had no friends,
that no one liked me,
that I'd never amount to much
I made it to middle school
and all of a sudden I had girls
treat me as though what I was told
in fourth grade
was true
in middle school I learned
new words
like slut,
or whore,
or bitch
words that were used to describe me,
although the first two,
by definition,
made zero sense
considering
I hadn't even been kissed
boys didn't notice me much
and when they did
it was based solely on the
unpleasant things the girls
would say about me
the world became more unpleasant
in middle school
when we started learning
lockdown drills
because the place that we were
meant to learn
became potential places
we could go to die
I mean, it was happening around us,
maybe not in our bubble of the unpleasant world,
but down the street in someone else's
in high school the world became
extremely unpleasant
therefore I became
extremely indifferent about the world
it was unpleasant to wake up every morning;
it was unpleasant to sit in a classroom
with people who didn't like you,
who called you names,
who told you the world would be less
unpleasant if you were no longer in it
the world became unbearable when
one day I agreed with the words
that were being said
maybe the world would be less
unpleasant if I were no longer in it
so I took myself and my unbearable thoughts
and stayed in a room with white walls
and that sterile smell
where adults wore scrubs and handed out pills
I came back to a world where
bomb threats
and lockdowns
and anxiety became the unpleasant norm
a year later I graduated
from the place that gave me fear,
and anxiety,
and memories of loneliness
only to find myself
listening to the words
the middle school girls
said to me
being repeated by adults
in a college setting
I found myself being noticed
in fraternity houses
by men who agreed
with what was said
instead of living in an unpleasant world
where I had to worry about
bomb threats,
or gunmen,
or lockdowns,
though those things happened too,
I found myself worrying about
date-rape drugs,
and men
who preyed on drunk women
I had to worry about being in a fraternity
house too long by myself,
or walking around campus at night,
or sitting in a bar alone while my friends
got more drinks or went to the bathroom
the unpleasant things that force us to become
indifferent about the unpleasant world around
us may change the older we get,
but the unpleasant world is sometimes still unpleasant
that's why finding the beautiful things
is so important
it's why I try to
sit in the sun until I get tired
or read as many books
in one sitting
as my brain will let me
and why I find comfort in the people
who make living in this unpleasant world
worth it in the long run
because no matter how many cruel words,
or terrible people I come across in the world,
the world still shines with pleasant ones
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