I haven't written in months. I haven't felt motivated or inspired to write anything, not even in my journal. I haven't felt myself and I've felt extremely out of sync with my soul. Lately, I've been questioning if God has been listening to my prayers or even noticed my struggles. I've been worried that he has forgotten me. It hasn't just been my relationship with Christ that I've been questioning though - pretty much every relationship in my life has been looked at. I've been questioning my worth when it comes to the people in my life because of some men who, lately have made me feel like nothing. I've felt like no one is proud of me or loves me anymore. I've been getting down about the timing of God's plan for me; I've been worried his hands have been touching the lives of others and not my own.
Today, as I was cleaning my room, I broke a picture frame. I have had three picture frames with a small note on a chalk board paper my family (Ryan, Mom & Dad) wrote to me when I graduated high school four years ago. All of them were short, quick, and to the point about how they love me and are proud of me. I took them off the wall and went to pull the chalk board paper out of my dad's frame and to my suprise, a folded up piece of paper falls to the floor. It was a letter addressed to me, from "Daddy." I read it and bawled my eyes out. I then moved on to my mom's frame and once again, a letter falls out. I read it and bawled my eyes out some more.
You're probably wondering why I cried so much over little letters and what this has to do with God's timing. Let me explain. When I spend a majority of my time worrying about whether I'm doing well enough or if I'm loved, it is a beautiful feeling to read praises from my parents. I've been struggling with feeling loved and those letters expressed deep love for me. I've been struggling with my confidence in my abilities and those letters explained my parents confidence in me. I've been struggling with feeling proud of my accomplishments and have been only focusing on my failures - those letters showed my parents being proud of the woman I am becoming. Yes, those letters were written four years ago for a much younger and different girl, but I believe God didn't want me to read them until I needed to hear it most. At a time where I would genuinely appreciate the words of my parents. These letters were written for a young, naive girl, but were saved for the heart of an older, more mature woman.
I am forever grateful for the timing of God. When I feel like he is so far away, I am reminded that he is forever working in my life. I am reminded that he does hear my prayers and sees my struggles. I just have to trust him.