Ten years ago I stopped going to church. I stopped worshiping God in a way that made me the same as everyone else. I stopped praying, talking to Him, and even stopped believing. I put down the Bible and replaced it with other books, other people, and other feelings. I lost my faith in Him, and even lost a part of myself. I lost the joy I felt in the world around me, lost everything I ever cared about within myself. I lost all hope.
I went through high school and college calling myself an Atheist. Saying that I would never believe in God, that he wasn't real, never has been. If God was so great why was I so miserable? Wasn't he there to save me? Why was I, twelve through 18, wanting to kill myself if God was "there to help me through my hard times?" I didn't see him. I didn't hear him. He wasn't there. Or was I just not listening? Were my ears just closed off? What about my heart? Was it needing to be opened?
When I did go to church the whole idea freaked me out. The idea of being baptized scared me. I pictured myself going up there to be saved and God coming down and saying "no, not this one, it's too late for her." Is it too late for me? I refused to take communion because I didn't feel worthy. I didn't want people to look at my funny.
That was the last ten years of my life, battling with depression, hopelessness, and fear of Church and God. Today I write this with a belief in God I've never seen. For those of you who know me know I would have never said "I believe in God." That is until three months ago today, on December first, when I woke up crying on a Sunday morning, feeling like I was missing something. I woke up and decided I would step foot in a church for the first time in a very long time.
Yesterday, I was a woman who had no hope, no concept of eternity, and no belief system. Today I am a woman who hasn't missed a Sunday church sermon in exactly three months, reads the bible daily, and prays to a God that she now knows and loves.
This is my battle with Christianity. Today I found God. Tomorrow I hope to grow with Him.