2019 has been by far one of the hardest years for me emotionally. Harder than 2015 when I first was put in the hospital and diagnosed with depression. Harder than 2016 when I was in a terrible relationship that ended in heartbreak. Harder than 2017 when my depression worsened and partying became a habit of mine. Even harder than the forever-known terrible year of 2018 where my college days came to an end, self harming became my strong suit and friendship after friendships began and ended all at once.
In the last year, (starting in September of 2018), I lost two best friends, a soul mate, two potential lovers, and myself. Which was hardest to lose? Let's see.
The two best friends both cut ties when I decided I wanted more from people - for it to be a two way street instead of a one way street of friendship. They chose their own soul mates and relationships with other people over me, and quite frankly that probably was the best decision for both sets of people. I loved them, but sometimes letting go of people to better yourself and grow is what is most important.
The soul mate - the one that came at the wrong time. Maybe I fell in love with the person too quickly, yes, that would be my fault, but maybe he made me feel too safe too quickly. The comfort I felt when around him was like nothing I've ever felt before. I felt at home. I felt at peace. I felt absolutely safe in the face of danger. That is until I fell in love with the person who could never love me or want me. That tore me apart. To this day, I still think of him daily - the wound is still fresh. I see him and his negative qualities in every man I come in counter with and honestly, it makes it difficult to find someone. I hope one day I can get passed the feeling of dread and the need to feel what I felt with a man who also made me feel like nothing.
Because of the mere fact that the last guy completely and utterly fucked me up, my dating life has been all but good. I have trust issues, worse than ever before. Every single thing these men say to me is a lie just to get in my pants. They don't actually like me - I'm just a body for them to use. A body for them to do as they please, when they please, and then never speak to me again. How come it's okay when they do that to me? It's because I don't stop them. They give me the attention I'm craving that disappeared when my brain fucked up the last relationship with a guy because i loved him when I knew I shouldn't. He was toxic, and I loved it, so now I look for that toxicity in the men I try to get to know. Will I ever be able to love a man again? Maybe. But that maybe also comes with the possibility that maybe a man will never love me back because I'm complicated.
I can't seem to keep relationships in 2019. Is it because my relationship with myself is so good that I don't see the need for more? Or is it because my relationship with myself is so broken that I can't find it in my heart to be open? Maybe in 2020 we will find out.
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