Trigger Warning: Depression, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation.
Grab a coffee, take a seat. Let's have a heart to heart.
October 1st, 2020
Those of you in my life know that this day last year was the start of a very dark time for me. It wasn't as dark as November 17, 2014, though; on that day, I stopped self harming (a three year addiction I had), had to say goodbye to some online friends that I met, and started seeing a councilor because I became severely depressed from being bullied at school. Or April 18th, 2015; on that day, I woke up to go to school and told my dad on the way to the parking lot that I wanted to end my life because I couldn't handle everyone hating me as much as I hated myself. I was taken to the emergency room in Chillicothe to then was sent to a behavioral center for kids and teens in Kentucky. I spent days there. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety & started seeing a therapist. This day last year might not even be as bad of a day as March 11th, 2018. I went to work at the mall that day, my sophomore year of college, and learned that I was about to be kicked out of the university because my grades were so low. That became the day I relapsed with my self harming. Then on April 20th, 2018 I decided to just stop and help myself get better. I did get better, until July 3rd, 2019. I was supposed to be dog sitting while my parents were out of town, and had the bright idea to "sneak out" and go to Cincinnati to a bar with my friends and get so drunk that I went home with a stranger, fought my friend in the middle of the bar and completely blacked out. My friend hinted to me that he thought I was bipolar, which I ignored. Flash forward to July 27th, 2019. I remember that night vividly. I had a bad day, went to a friends house with a group of ladies from work (not without stopping to get two bottles of vodka first), and got completely trashed. So trashed in fact, I took off my clothes, went manic, and they had to put me in the shower because I couldn't stand and puked everywhere. The following day I went to a Heart concert at Riverbend, happily excepted an edible that threw me on my ass to where I had a panic attack and left the venue alone. I started alcohol counseling the following week for a few months and also got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
You're probably wondering, "after all that . . . what is so significant about October 1st, 2020?" Here's the thing: it wasn't the day that was important to me, it's the whole month of October. Autumn is my all time favorite time of the year. The scary movies, the crisp air, the pumpkins - all of it. Those things give me so much joy and every ounce of happy chemical in my brain, so I was extremely excited for the season. I was excited, but nothing about it made me happy. Not. One. Thing. I went to a pumpkin patch with the guy I was seeing that season & went home not feeling anything except that numb, dead-inside feeling. We watched scary movies in the living room and I stared off into the distance. I was not emotionally there for him when we were in the same room, but I was too invested in him outside to the point I got crazy. I stopped taking my medicine because it made me sick and I'd "much rather be mentally sick than physically nauseous." I seemed fine on the outside, but I was slowly dying on the inside. October 1st, 2020 signified my downfall.
Jump a few weeks to October 18th, 2020. I woke up and went to church like any other Sunday that year. I stood in the front row with one of my favorite humans, and while we sang King of My Heart, I couldn't control the sob that came out of me. Tears streamed down my face while I sang the chorus with a broken voice. I knew that I needed to help myself before I finally hit the lowest low I could ever experience and do something I'd regret. I left church, went straight home and grabbed my bag, which was already packed in case I made this decision. It was time to get help. I left without telling my family where I was going because in that moment, it was hard to explain that this was what I was feeling for so long and didn't tell anyone. I did however tell my best friend, Erika, while I was driving myself to the emergency room. She was nothing but supportive of my decision to check myself into the hospital and told me she would be there for me when I got out. I spent an hour in the emergency room, before being sent upstairs to the behavioral center. I spent three or four days there and was released.
October 1st, 2021
"The spirit of a serpent can be thought of as a rebirth, a transformation, and healing of the old form (be that mind, body, and spirit) as it sheds it’s skin and regenerates a new being. Snakes have also been thought of as an eternal and continual renewal of life."
With it being one year since the start of a rockbottom month for me, I chose today to be my revival. I'm renewing myself and claiming life. I've been through so many things the last few years, as everyone has, and I'm transforming into my true self (for right now). I'm shedding the skin of my past and allowing growth, healing, and abundance into my life. I'm also allowing myself to be more open, whether it be online, or with relationships. I'm not allowing myself to shy away because I'm scared of people and their opinions of me, because let's be honest, no ones opinion of me matters but mine. 2021 so far has been a much healthier year when it comes to my mental health and I am oh, so grateful. I've given myself time to be with myself, learn and grow without the distraction of other people, especially men. I've fallen in love with myself. I've made myself laugh. I've spent time on solo trips (with one major one coming in just a few weeks) to relearn that I'm my own best friend and I do not need company of others to have a good time. I'm independent enough to not have to rely on others for my happiness. I am my own happiness. I pray that October 2021 is a month of even more growth because I'm ready for this journey. I hope you follow this journey with me and stop by to have coffee with me again.
Announcement:
With my personal revival I decided to give Coffee Time With Erin a revival as well, with a new theme and concept. I'll be posting weekly posts that dive deeper into personal things, mental health ideas, and the like. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage (I'll be having coffee), take a seat, and have a chat with me. Thank you for sticking with me over the years.
All the love,
Erin
