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  • Writer's pictureErin

When You Mix a 70s Porn-Stache and Serial Killers

Happy Sunday, y'all.


I spent the afternoon watching Sex And The City with my dog, and honestly, Carrie Bradshaw inspired me to switch things up, and talk about some of my favorite horrible dates. I'll be using fake names, but telling some awful real stories about guys I've met over the years that maybe shouldn't get a second date (and spoiler alert, they didn't). Let's begin.


The first one that comes to mind happened a few years ago when I had just moved back into my dorm sophomore year of college. We'll call him Josh. I went to the Bridge Cafe, my favorite campus hang out to read To Kill a Mockingbird and spend some time alone. Josh came up to me and sat across in the empty seat. I just assumed he was waiting for his order to be called and needed to sit down. Nope. He took my book out of my hand and introduced himself.


I have to admit he was cute - tall, dark hair, big brown eyes. I introduced myself and we began talking. It went really well, three whole hours of conversation about One Direction, books, and many more things I enjoy. At the end of the night he asked me out on a date for the following Tuesday. Josh decided he would pick me up and take me to Red Robin by the mall.


So let's jump to the actual date, the reason you're all reading this. This man picked me up at the cafe (because I'm not letting a stranger know where I live) and took me to Red Robin. It was nice, until it wasn't. Josh started telling me how he grew up in Chillicothe, Ohio and was visiting his cousin when he met me. Oh, so he didn't go to Wright State? I'm pretty sure I asked that when we met, but moving on. The first conversation was about serial killers because he had been watching a documentary about them. That's fine, I like to talk about serial killers. He then looked at me and laughed, and said "want to know what's so special about Chillicothe and serial killers? There's one still there. It's super easy to hide a dead body." WHAT? What do you mean it's "super easy to hide a dead body?"


I moved on from the topic a little confused. Josh picked up the steak knife and proceeded to pretend to hurt himself in front of me. He went to the bathroom and the waitress came back and asked if I was okay. I asked him if we could leave, so we got in the car and we drove to where I thought was going to be campus. He pulled into the Walmart parking lot. He asked me a bunch of questions one of which was "if you were to hurt yourself, what song would you have playing on a repeat for the cops to hear when they find your body?" Excuse me? I felt so scared that I pretended my dad was calling and I made him drop me off at my dorm and I drove home. The next day he texted me and talked about how rude I was on our date.


The next date was just a few days ago, on Friday. This one is actually quite funny to me because he was a friend from college (what is up with these college boys not being good dates?) and it really wasn't a date. The man had a terrible 70s porn-stache and thick, thick sideburns. I mean, come on, it's 2020, that look isn't cute anymore. We were going to go to Red Robin (again, why do the weirdos pick that restaurant?), but since it was packed I left my car and he drove me to the Pub. We sat down at the bar and it was awkward. Hold on, I forgot to name him, let's say his name was Brad. Brad seriously talked about his ex girlfriend the whole time. He also told me he'd never date me because that's not what he was looking for.


We only sat there for an hour and he talked about a girl named Lauren the whole time, brought up "the good ole days" of college, and kept making fun of me for being sober. I just wanted to go home the whole time. It wasn't a fun date, and honestly, three strikes, no second date.


In the end, what I have realized is never date a man you meet in Fairborn, Ohio. There are probably good men out there worth a first or second date, but I haven't met them yet.


Do you have horrible first date stories?


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